Break ups alone are always hard. I’ve always said there are things I would accept a man doing. We could argue, scream, throw things at each other but when I tell you I’m committed that’s it. Cheating has always been that one deal breaker. Your best friend should not break your trust never mind your heart.
I remember finding out, it was like I was dreaming. We’d gone from talking about kids and getting married in the next year or two that very morning to me receiving this message from a girl I already knew which made it all the more confusing. I literally felt sick to my stomach then I just went numb. That was the start of what I can only call my grieving period. Although I ended it that night and knew I would never take him back, loosing your best friend and confidant all at once after nearly 3 years, especially at what was already a really crappy time in my life felt like I was in mourning. The funny thing was, at first when I had to tell people (trust me after how much I fought to be with him, I didn’t want to tell them they were right) everyone was shocked because they said he didn’t seem like the type and looked like he loved me so much. Speaking to people kind of helped but no one really fully understood how I felt till I spoke to someone not too long ago that went through the same thing. It was weird how they could explain exactly what I’d gone through and how I’d felt without them being there.
There were days I’d cry uncontrollably for hours with this horrible pit in the stomach pain that felt like it would never go away then randomly it would stop till the next time. At first I was upset more often than not. I’d be fine in public but once I got home the pain would start again like I just found out for the first time. At first I blamed myself. Maybe I worked too much or didn’t give him enough attention but that was a load of bollocks.
You go through a period where you think getting an explanation would give you closure but it didn’t. There was nothing he could have said that would have eased the pain. I was told he didn’t know why he did it as well as it was mine and his mothers fault for not giving him enough attention! Mind you, around this time my mother was moving to a different country to look after my ill father and start afresh. I was also going back to uni, running a business and working two jobs all whilst making the time for him. My time for closure turned into a marriage proposal and many failed attempts to win me back. Funnily enough whilst telling me more and more lies. It’s very true you don’t know what you had till it’s gone but it shouldn’t take such a stupid action to make you realise you had everything and more. Being told you’re wife material after someone has played on your worst insecurities is just horrible. You question every little thing. Your life, your relationship, your memories with them… You don’t know what was real.
Slowly the mourning pain gets easier. You find it’s been a day since you last broke down. A day turns into a week and a week turns into a month. You get yourself back out there and try to date again but you’re never really the same. My circle now is incredibly small and I don’t really trust anyone except for a very select few. I’ve found that even though I’m still an open person, I don’t really have time for people that let me down. If you pretend to be something you’re not and don’t make the same amount of effort with me as I make with you then sorry you’re out. Life is too short to waste on people that don’t care.
Focusing on myself the last few months has been one of the best things I’ve ever done! You have to re-learn how to be independent, how to live alone and love yourself again. It may suck sometimes and be lonely but learning to be happy alone can be so liberating. Knowing I don’t rely on a man or anyone else to live or be happy is great and although I said I could never trust again, I’ve met a special person or two that have shown me given the right person at the right time, I could actually try to learn how to trust again.
As hard as it’s been, I count what happened to me as a blessing in disguise. When my parents had their doubts originally I remember going to church and praying for a sign. I definitely couldn’t have received a clearer one! I’ve learned a lot about myself and how committed I am as a person but I’ve also become really close to some very special people in my life as well as realising who didn’t deserve to be in my life. I’ll probably never fully get over what happened and always feel slightly insecure but at the same time, confusingly, I’m also the most confident I have ever been.
For anyone going through something similar and feeling quite alone like I did at first no matter how many people were around me, trust me, it gets better! You can only move on however if you wholeheartedly want to…