love,  Relationships

My first love

I’ve always been obsessed with movies like One Day, The Notebook and The Fault In Our Stars mainly because they all have a few things in common. A) Each of them have made me cry due to their ridiculous soppiness and B) they made me excited about falling in love. Although I believe there are different types of love, I’d never been in the position where I knew I’d actually been ‘in love’. They made me look forward to the day it happened!

 I know the respect I deserve both as a woman and a person in general so will never question my morals which not all men can accept. I’ve hardly had any boyfriends and none of them have ever been serious. To be honest my choice in guys is pretty shocking!

 Simon really isn’t my type. I like quiet, skinny, white pretty boys who wear skinny jeans and have Justin Bieber-ish hair haha! Si’s the TOTAL opposite. He’s muscly, your typical loud as hell American, would never be caught dead in a pair of skinnies (not that he could fit in them anyway…) and he certainly isn’t white! Don’t get me wrong, when we first met I thought he was a nice person and he made me laugh but I thought he was just a friend, there was no attraction. Before I knew it we were texting, seeing each other quite a lot (mainly in the gym) and then the long phone calls began. We’d be on the phone for 7/8 hours and it would literally feel like 30 minutes (isn’t it funny how much effort they make at first?)but I still saw him as a friend or at least that’s what I told myself. When I realised I might actually like him I thought I’d test the theory with a pre-date. I thought if I didn’t tell him it was a date then there would be no pressure and I could work out if I really did like him. We went to Rajas (I’m really easily pleased) and then La Perle for dessert.

Looking back now, it all happened pretty quickly. I can’t explain it but part of me just knew he wasn’t like the other guys, something about him was different so I thought I’d give him a chance. Things certainly hadn’t gone as straight forward as I’d hoped (for various reasons) but I was finally in a ‘proper’ relationship with someone that made me really happy and treated me well. I always knew I didn’t just want to go throwing around the L word for the sake of it. Months went by and I just got more and more confused. How the hell do you know if you’re in love? What are the signs, what if you say it and you don’t mean it and what if you do actually love someone but you haven’t realised it yet?! This is so cringe worthy (can’t believe I’m telling you) but I even Googled it haha! When in doubt Google it, right?! Sadly Google didn’t know the answer. I was told I’d know when the time was right which was true but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

I first dropped the L bomb on a night out. Part of me still wasn’t fully there though. I think I pressured myself a bit but it was done. A few weeks later I was sat with my mum and dad. They were talking about something, can’t remember what but my mum was laid on my dad’s lap watching TV. He said something which made her raise her head in laughter. They were looking in to each other’s eyes laughing like teenage kids and in that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. After nearly 21 years of marriage my mum and dad looked and held each other like they’d just met. In that moment I felt so overwhelmed with emotion I had to leave the room. I went to my room and just sat and cried. I was crying with happiness. I always say “oh I could cry with happiness” but I didn’t actually believe it happened. Looking at my mum and dad in that moment reminded me of me and Simon so much. I’d had butterflies and the normal stuff you get when you like someone but I literally felt like I was about to be sick but in a good way and felt all tingly. Finally I was like those women in my soppy movies. I was in love… I wish I could put into words how happy I felt but there’s no way to make you understand. I knew I had a lot of love to give to someone and one day it would happen but no matter how impatient I got before I met him I knew it would be worth the wait. It was…

In my opinion, being in love is one of my favourite and worst feelings in the world. Having someone care so much about you and make you happier than you could ever describe is absolutely incredible but at the same time, allowing yourself to care so much about one person and imagine what the future holds is also petrifying as hell. Just the thought of losing them turns you into an emotional mess. As much as I hate thinking negatively about love, being that dependent on someone totally sucks ass, especially if it ends!

Having a first love whilst trying to deal with 2 cultures, people that have their own opinions and all the confusion of your first serious relationship can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.  I don’t know what the future holds. We might stay together for 2 months, 2 years, forever or we may split up tomorrow, who knows. All I can say is, I have two amazing role models (my parents) who guide me without even knowing it. My first experience of love has been amazing. I’ve grown as a person, learned a lot about myself and have someone that brings me so much joy. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and things certainly aren’t straight forward, I doubt they’ll ever be but I thank God every day for blessing me so much. I know it’s easy for me to say it now it’s happened but if you haven’t found that special someone, be patitent. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and always strive to be a better person with or without them. For those of you as lucky as I am to have found them, cherish them, work for their attention just like you did when you first met them and learn from your experiences. They’re in your life for a reason. Make that reason positive.

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